Farewell 2009

Its the last Monday for 2009. Usually i hate every Monday. Knowing that its gonna be a friggin long week before the weekend comes, but today i just want to chill and recall back what have i done so far for this year instead of throwing tantrum like a bitch suffering a painful pms. Sounds like Katy Perry huh? hehe.

Every year i always make a resolution list. The things that i want to do and what i wanna be for the whole year. But, so far, i never followed it right until the end of the year. At first, i really followed all the things that i listed but around March or April, the old Wanie is back then i tend to forget about the resolutions until the last day of that year. So much for a resolutions! I have a feeling that i will never fulfill all the things that i want to do for new year resolutions but i cant help it and i have to make the list every year. Including for 2010. I didnt prepare the list yet but i already know what im gonna do. Since, im gonna start my practical next year, i guess i must have a different resolutions compared to before. But it will remain secrets of course. Only my diary will know the details.

Basically, this year is pretty average to me. Still an ordinary girl living in this extraordinary world. Still suffered a very low self esteem, still crying in a room for nothing, still creating own drama just to make this life more interesting, still eating like there will be no tomorrow, still obsessing with facebook like nothing else matter, still depend on other people although i can depend on myself, still wanting the things that i dont have, and still not appreciating the things that i already got. Thats just me.

But, this year is not really that bad. Its pretty fun actually. I cant recall back what is the things that make this year good but i just know it. My relationship with my family, boyfriend, friends are fine. Compare to the previous year, i think my life is right on track and i can almost see the path that im gonna take for life. Last year and the year before, i think its worse with so many troubles hitting me. So, basically this year is a bit of happiness and a bit of sadness. I guess thats the way it should be. I just hope that all the negative things that happened to me this year wont happen again to me on 2010. I know i have the strength to face all the shittty things that will happen to me in future because so far, i still manage to smile and laugh like hell even when im hurt inside and even when i am having so much troubles. I think thats ok. Cant wait for 2010. What u got for me? Bring it on!

p/s : Happy New Year in advance everyone! Spread the love.......

Too little too coward

What is the differences between patience and weak? Am i too weak or am i just that girl who is very patience when it comes to bullying. As far as i can remembered, ever since i was in standard 1 back in 1994, aku dah mmg kene buli. Not a physical attacks kindda thing. More like a mental attack. At first, i can take it but then lama-lama simpan, mmg nak pecah kepala otak ni. I have no idea where i got this strenght to remain calm.

The worse is when is was in high school. Mase form 2, ade la this one girl mmg kuat gile buli aku. Masuk class aku then dgn slambe rampas my pencil case and amik all my color pens buat harta sendiri. And i didnt say a word to her. Dia buat harta sendiri plak tu. Mmg teruk. Kat sekolah pon, ramai yg ckp aku ni nerd, i need to grow up and so much more and aku just telan semua apa org ckp and buat bodo but the truth is, balik rumah dalam bilik conteng diari sambil nangis to the max! Aku x pernah nak lawan balik ckp diorg.

Mase kat skolah menengah, mmg ramai yg buli and pandang rendah kat aku. Semua take advantage of me and i still didnt said a word. Ade this one girl ni ckp, i really need a makeover so that guys will like me. My first boyfriend is Haziq. I was 15 that time and so does he. But manage to stay together for 7 months only. When i was still with him, aku asyik tanye je, what makes him like me? I taught everyone said that im ugly. But i never have the guts to ask him obviously. But now after we broke up, we still remain friends and theres nothing wrong if i ask him now right? And he said that, im not ugly. Then why my friends said so?

At first i taught, get over it. Masuk je uia i taught, i wanna start a new life with new friends and no one can say bad things to me. Mule2 mmg ok, then lama2 aku dapat rasa byk kawan2 aku yang amik kesempatan dgn my condition ni yang x pernah nak bantah ckp org. Paling aku x suke bile org guna kan aku untuk kesenangan sendiri. Sekali dua bole la tahan but kalau dah depend sgt dgn aku sape tahan? Tapi aku x pernah ckp sepatah pun nak lawan balik.

Mase dah nak start final exam, baru la terhegeh2 nak call or sms me asking for notes yang aku buat. Every subject aku mmg akan buat mind map and my personal notes cause i can study much better that way and my friends ni pon tau pasal tu. Thats why semua cari aku nak kan the notes. Mmg la org ckp jgn kedekut ilmu, tapi kalau ye pon try la blaja dulu, then kalau x paham baru la mintak notes aku or mintak aku ajarkan.

But then, diorg ni prefer jalan pintas nak senang. Sehari nak exam baru nak cari aku. Study pon belum terus free2 nak mintak notes kat aku. Kot lah nak belanja makan or even say thanks but nothing! Every semester buat mcm tu. Class pon suke ponteng then suruh aku sign kan their attendance. Aku mmg x suke. Kalau betul2 sakit x pe la, i totally understand tapi kalau overslept x bole la. Aku pon x cukup tidur tapi pakse jgk diri dtg class. Then bile dah x dtg, aku jgk yg nak kene explain homework semua. Im not their personal assistant tau.

Too bad, i have no guts to say it right in front of their faces. Lepaskan kat blog je la. Some people said that aku ni terlalu lemah smpi org pijak kepala aku. Or maybe aku ni jenis yang penyabar? Aku x tau. One thing yang aku asyik fikir skrg, mcm mane bile aku dah start keje nnt? Am i going to face the same situation too? I cant take it anymore la. Kalau kat tempat kerja pon kene jgk then how? I need to step up for myself sometimes but im too little to speak out and yes i am coward!

Desperate for A!

Im totally pissed right now but im trying to remain positive. Tapi sgt susah! Last semester aku register for 2 subject which is Scriptwriting and Radio Production. Both of this subject, Sir Johanni yang ajar. I worked my ass off for this subject and i know that i can get at least A-. But then when i checked the result few days back, agak terkejut cause i got B+ for both subject. And because of that, my cgpa x berapa nak increase sgt. Sgt frust.

I asked my lecturer the same night and i smsed him. I asked him whats wrong with my final answer? I know that i got it right. 100 % positive. In fact, my cam marks pon tinggi so its impossible for me not to get A-. I know that i deserve it. Call me pathetic but i dont care. I know that i should get that. Then, he asked me to see him in his office when the semester begin because i want him to recheck my paper.

Just now, i went to his office to discuss about this matter. Dia ckp its better kalau aku x recheck the paper because there is no point. Katenye, actually i already got A- for both subject but since ramai sgt yang dpt A i guess, UIA bagi quota. Not more then 10 students can get A- or A. I was like..... What the hell? He said that the examiner tolak markah aku because theres a grammatical error in my paper. Hello, is this english subject or what?? The examiner tolak few marks then i got B+. Just because of that both subject aku x dpt A pon. Its so unfair to me.

In my opinion, if that student deserve to get A, then she should get A. Who cares if all the student dapat A? Ape masalahnye? Kenapa perlu ade quota plak? I asked my lecturer honestly what he thinks of my paper. And he said its ok. He understand my answer and i deserved to get A. See? Didnt i told you that? But theres nothing much i can do. My cgpa pun have to remain that way. Kate Uia ni islamic university but i think what happened to me is so not islamic because its not fair. Wheres the justice? Hopefuly this semester will be better for me. Please.

Torturing Wednesday

Result sudah diketahui akhirnya. Fuh, lega. Although agak sedih actually cause ade few subjects that i really hope to get A x dpt! But at least i passed my arabic. Woo hoo. I was so worried that im going to fail. Cuti for 3 weeks but i think mase first week je yang i actually enjoyed. Masuk second week, all i think about was the exam result. I was so worried and i cant concentrate on anything else. Cuti blah mcm tu je. Last wednesday the result was supposed to be release at 4 so i waited patiently for the result to reveal.

That morning i woke up around 10am. Dah set dah dalam kapla otak ni nak bangun selambat yang bole so i dont have to wait longer for the result. Lepas je bgn dari tido, aku kira brape jam lg before 4 pm. Then after breakfast, i watched a movie. I need something as an escapism so that i wont obsessing thinking about the result. Then, around 2 pm, my dad ajak g lunch kat Pappa Rich with my siblings, then i thought great! At least x de la aku terperam kat rumah risau x tentu pasal kan. But yg x bestnye tu kul 4 mase result dah kuar, im on my way back. Aku dah cuak gile that time. Mmg x sabar nak check out the result. Actually i was so curious to know if i fail my arabic or not and thats it.

Sampai je rumah, terus pasang internet. Tapi yg buat aku marah tu website uia buat hal plak! So damn slow! Infact, aku siap bukak laptop and desktop all at once cause x sabar sgt nak tgk. I just want to get it over with. Im tired of waiting! It kills me slowly! End up until 7 pm pon still x dpt bukak lg. Can u imagine how i feel for the frigging long 3 hours waiting for my result to pop out? You have no idea. Then, i decided to stop trying and to check it in the morning next day. I have a feeling that the problem with uia website wont be fix. Not until tomorrow. I was pretty mad and pissed that time. But what can i do. So i tried to do something to keep my mind away from thinking about the result so i played Twister with my sis and bro. Was pretty fun!

At night around 9.30pm i dont know why suddenly i want to try to open the result. And finally! There it was infront of my eyes. I was so happy that i passed my arabic paper but im confused cause 2 of the subject that i know i can score A but it turned out i got B+ instead. Terdiam jgk la depan computer and i called everyone in my class to ask them. Ade la a few yg dpt B jgk and ade jgk yang dpt A. I almosy cry cause i study for that subject like nuts! I really hope if i got A for that subject, it can help my cgpa to increase. I even asked my lecturer to recheck my paper. I have to. Yeah, i know i can be like a pain in th ass sometimes. But i cant help it.

Then, that same night, i said to myself i should just probably say alhamdulillah instead of swearing like mad. It wont solve the problem. At least i dont have to repeat my arabic and next sem i can move step ahead to the next level. Cheers for me. Benda dah jadi kan nak buat macamana although i still hope that there'll be changes for my grades and cgpa. But overall, i accepted my result. Next semester i have to try harder

I despise gay & lesbian

Its scary when i started to think how weird and drastic this world has changed. What is going to happen in 20 years time? I seriously cant imagine. People now are so focusing on trying to be individual and not afraid at all to show the world their true colors and their identity. I mean, its good for them to show their identity but what if the things that they are exposing is against the nature? To make it worse, it spread like a virus!

Im talking about gay and lesbian. I despise the idea of it. Seriously. A man need a woman and same goes the other way. Thats the nature. Thats how human population will grow! The idea of same sex love really disgust me. I mean, theres nothing wrong to care about someone with the same sex but to actually marrying them? Its ridiculous! Lots of country are fighting their right to have a same sex marriage. What the hell is this?

Its bullshit when they said that they are born that way. Theres no such thing as you're born to be gay or lesbian. You want to change it and dont put the blame on god. In fact, if i have no desire towards my opposite sex, i'd rather stay alone and just adopt a child. Instead of going against the nature! What happen if everyone become gay and lesbian? It will be the end of human species. That is so bizzarre!

Seriously i against lesbianism and gayism. Always was and always will. If only i have the power to control this stupid idealism. Its spreading really fast! In fact here in Malaysia, its pretty normal. Lots of celebrity also claimed and admit that they are gay and lesbian. Ellen Degeneres, Adam Lambert, Elton John, Lance, Clay Aiken and the list goes on. They are a public figure. Im just afraid that all their fans will start to think that theres nothing wrong of being gay and lesbian. I pity the young generations because they will surrounded with a weird environment and they kind of like have to decide if they are straight or gay. Who should we blame? I belived that its all come down to you.

Mikaeel

Last few days i went to Mid Valley to watched Michael Jackson This Is It. Actually everyone is busy and not answering my calls so i just decided to watched it alone. Trust me its not that bad. Sumone said its pathetic. Whats wrong with watching movie alone? I dont get it. I think its cool that you dont rely on sumbody else to have fun. You know how to have fun alone rite. Thats what i think. I mean shopping alone is fun actually. Anyway, im proud of myself! Hehe.

Okey, i heard all the fuss about this movie like months ago. Actually i dont know what this movie is about. I read in the newspaper that said this movie is brilliant! Not only that, it achieved box office collection! Some of my friends said its boring. But i'll be stupid if i rely on my friends to know about the review of this movie. I mean, i prefer to rely on the review on the internet or anyone who is expert in movie of course, so i decide to watch it alone so i can judge it myself.

When the movie was released, i was busy with my final exam. I kept thinking that i know im gonna miss it because that movie will be in the cinema not for one month but only for 2 weeks instead. So, obviously i cant watch it cause im busy preparing for my finals. No matter how much i love Michael Jackson, im sooo not gonna jeopardizing my study right? At least thats the right thing to do. I taught maybe i can just catch it on dvd or something.

But surprisingly i heard that they extend it since lotsa people want to watch it. My luck eh? Haha. So i watched it and im touched! It was so good i want to watch it again! Its basically a rehearsal video for his concert which is suppose to be held few days after the day he passed away. Its pretty sad rite? One thing for sure, He's a good dancer. For a 50 year old guy to dance like that, wow! Luckily, they recorded the whole rehearsal and people can watch it. The rehearsal was recorded few days before he died. He was so excited for his concert and he kept practicing again and again. He's so humble and down to earth. When a person is so down to earth like that, its hard for us to find a reason not to like him. Whenever peoples complimented him, he will smile and said god bless you. That is so humble. I dont get it why some people criticize him.

In that rehearsal, he performed Billie Jean, Beat It, Earth Song, Smooth Criminal, I'll Be There, Wanna Be Startin Something and so much more. Their preparation for the concert is really amazing. Sure it can be an escapism for anyone that watch it. I know i am. For 2 hours i couldnt think of anything else besides him. How great he is. As a performer and as a person. Im so gonna get the dvd when it release later. Will watch it again and again and of course i'll show it to my future children later. Truly a legend, truly one in a million. May you rest in peace.....Mikaeel

Future writer maybe?

Its a holi holiday! I just finished my final exam last Sunday and damn it feels good! I got 3 weeks for holiday. Mase tgh x cuti mcm2 benda plan nak buat tapi bile dah cuti relax kat rumah je layan dvd. Its good enough for me but it will be nicer if i can go on a vacation or something. I need to take a time off before new sem start. I mean, this sem i worked my ass off to increase my cgpa and hopefuly its worth it. We'll see cause the result will be release in 3 weeks from now. Cuak jgk ni. Haha. I dont want to put my hope to high cause juz in case if my cgpa remain the same, nnt aku jgk yang frust. But i cant help it. Kalau bole skrg jgk nak check the result. Then only i can enjoy my holiday to the max without any worries.

Cuti ni one thing for sure, im gonna meet my shindois. Lama x jumpa budak2 ni. Last time jumpe pon mase buka puase dulu. Tu pon ngan Fiera and Syaz je. Nadia and Ain pon dah lame x jumpe. Cuti ni, hmm i just wanna relax my mind. Meaning, DVD marathon for sure, blogging, kemas bilik, jumpe kawan, hang out with family, watch movies, and thats it. Ni je lah yang aku biase buat kalau mase cuti. But this time, i wanna do something different. I wanna start working on my script. I juz discovered this new software and i downloaded it for free. This software is for any scriptwriters who want to put their ideas on paper instead of using Microsoft Words. At least by using this software aku bole tau mcm mane format buat script. Bukan suke2 je bole type kat Microsoft Word. Byk sgt ceite ni, juz waiting for me to write it down. Hehe.

I dont really know if im good at it. But my friends said that i know how to play with words. Im not sure if its true cause they are my friends so sometimes can be bias also right? But last month, i gave some of my lyrics and poems to Tim. She is a rockstar! Haha, seriously can play the guitar that well so i gave it to her my masterpiece so she can make a song by figuring out the melodies. And when i heard it, its good! Cant believed finally theres a melody for those poems and lyrics i created. In fact one of my friends just broke up with her long time boyfrind and when she listened to that song, she feel touched. Its a song that i write about being positive and remain strong no matter what thunders attack you. Wow, i cant believed it!

I've started writing lyrics when i was 16. You know cause thats the time when you faced all kinds of teenage drama. I pour my heart out with words since im not a rebel type of girl. It helps cause i still survive until today. Haha. I have lots of collection and i was planning to write more. But now, i wanna start to write about actual story. I just downloaded a sample of script. Its from 'When Harry met Sally'. I heard that movie is good. I checked it on the internet all the reviews said that its worth watching so i downloaded it straight away. So when i watch that movie, i can also see the script so i know how the script works. That movie was back in 1989. Sally played by Meg Ryan and Harry played by Billy Crystal. I love 80's movie. So, its a bonus!