Farewell 2009

Its the last Monday for 2009. Usually i hate every Monday. Knowing that its gonna be a friggin long week before the weekend comes, but today i just want to chill and recall back what have i done so far for this year instead of throwing tantrum like a bitch suffering a painful pms. Sounds like Katy Perry huh? hehe.

Every year i always make a resolution list. The things that i want to do and what i wanna be for the whole year. But, so far, i never followed it right until the end of the year. At first, i really followed all the things that i listed but around March or April, the old Wanie is back then i tend to forget about the resolutions until the last day of that year. So much for a resolutions! I have a feeling that i will never fulfill all the things that i want to do for new year resolutions but i cant help it and i have to make the list every year. Including for 2010. I didnt prepare the list yet but i already know what im gonna do. Since, im gonna start my practical next year, i guess i must have a different resolutions compared to before. But it will remain secrets of course. Only my diary will know the details.

Basically, this year is pretty average to me. Still an ordinary girl living in this extraordinary world. Still suffered a very low self esteem, still crying in a room for nothing, still creating own drama just to make this life more interesting, still eating like there will be no tomorrow, still obsessing with facebook like nothing else matter, still depend on other people although i can depend on myself, still wanting the things that i dont have, and still not appreciating the things that i already got. Thats just me.

But, this year is not really that bad. Its pretty fun actually. I cant recall back what is the things that make this year good but i just know it. My relationship with my family, boyfriend, friends are fine. Compare to the previous year, i think my life is right on track and i can almost see the path that im gonna take for life. Last year and the year before, i think its worse with so many troubles hitting me. So, basically this year is a bit of happiness and a bit of sadness. I guess thats the way it should be. I just hope that all the negative things that happened to me this year wont happen again to me on 2010. I know i have the strength to face all the shittty things that will happen to me in future because so far, i still manage to smile and laugh like hell even when im hurt inside and even when i am having so much troubles. I think thats ok. Cant wait for 2010. What u got for me? Bring it on!

p/s : Happy New Year in advance everyone! Spread the love.......

Too little too coward

What is the differences between patience and weak? Am i too weak or am i just that girl who is very patience when it comes to bullying. As far as i can remembered, ever since i was in standard 1 back in 1994, aku dah mmg kene buli. Not a physical attacks kindda thing. More like a mental attack. At first, i can take it but then lama-lama simpan, mmg nak pecah kepala otak ni. I have no idea where i got this strenght to remain calm.

The worse is when is was in high school. Mase form 2, ade la this one girl mmg kuat gile buli aku. Masuk class aku then dgn slambe rampas my pencil case and amik all my color pens buat harta sendiri. And i didnt say a word to her. Dia buat harta sendiri plak tu. Mmg teruk. Kat sekolah pon, ramai yg ckp aku ni nerd, i need to grow up and so much more and aku just telan semua apa org ckp and buat bodo but the truth is, balik rumah dalam bilik conteng diari sambil nangis to the max! Aku x pernah nak lawan balik ckp diorg.

Mase kat skolah menengah, mmg ramai yg buli and pandang rendah kat aku. Semua take advantage of me and i still didnt said a word. Ade this one girl ni ckp, i really need a makeover so that guys will like me. My first boyfriend is Haziq. I was 15 that time and so does he. But manage to stay together for 7 months only. When i was still with him, aku asyik tanye je, what makes him like me? I taught everyone said that im ugly. But i never have the guts to ask him obviously. But now after we broke up, we still remain friends and theres nothing wrong if i ask him now right? And he said that, im not ugly. Then why my friends said so?

At first i taught, get over it. Masuk je uia i taught, i wanna start a new life with new friends and no one can say bad things to me. Mule2 mmg ok, then lama2 aku dapat rasa byk kawan2 aku yang amik kesempatan dgn my condition ni yang x pernah nak bantah ckp org. Paling aku x suke bile org guna kan aku untuk kesenangan sendiri. Sekali dua bole la tahan but kalau dah depend sgt dgn aku sape tahan? Tapi aku x pernah ckp sepatah pun nak lawan balik.

Mase dah nak start final exam, baru la terhegeh2 nak call or sms me asking for notes yang aku buat. Every subject aku mmg akan buat mind map and my personal notes cause i can study much better that way and my friends ni pon tau pasal tu. Thats why semua cari aku nak kan the notes. Mmg la org ckp jgn kedekut ilmu, tapi kalau ye pon try la blaja dulu, then kalau x paham baru la mintak notes aku or mintak aku ajarkan.

But then, diorg ni prefer jalan pintas nak senang. Sehari nak exam baru nak cari aku. Study pon belum terus free2 nak mintak notes kat aku. Kot lah nak belanja makan or even say thanks but nothing! Every semester buat mcm tu. Class pon suke ponteng then suruh aku sign kan their attendance. Aku mmg x suke. Kalau betul2 sakit x pe la, i totally understand tapi kalau overslept x bole la. Aku pon x cukup tidur tapi pakse jgk diri dtg class. Then bile dah x dtg, aku jgk yg nak kene explain homework semua. Im not their personal assistant tau.

Too bad, i have no guts to say it right in front of their faces. Lepaskan kat blog je la. Some people said that aku ni terlalu lemah smpi org pijak kepala aku. Or maybe aku ni jenis yang penyabar? Aku x tau. One thing yang aku asyik fikir skrg, mcm mane bile aku dah start keje nnt? Am i going to face the same situation too? I cant take it anymore la. Kalau kat tempat kerja pon kene jgk then how? I need to step up for myself sometimes but im too little to speak out and yes i am coward!

Desperate for A!

Im totally pissed right now but im trying to remain positive. Tapi sgt susah! Last semester aku register for 2 subject which is Scriptwriting and Radio Production. Both of this subject, Sir Johanni yang ajar. I worked my ass off for this subject and i know that i can get at least A-. But then when i checked the result few days back, agak terkejut cause i got B+ for both subject. And because of that, my cgpa x berapa nak increase sgt. Sgt frust.

I asked my lecturer the same night and i smsed him. I asked him whats wrong with my final answer? I know that i got it right. 100 % positive. In fact, my cam marks pon tinggi so its impossible for me not to get A-. I know that i deserve it. Call me pathetic but i dont care. I know that i should get that. Then, he asked me to see him in his office when the semester begin because i want him to recheck my paper.

Just now, i went to his office to discuss about this matter. Dia ckp its better kalau aku x recheck the paper because there is no point. Katenye, actually i already got A- for both subject but since ramai sgt yang dpt A i guess, UIA bagi quota. Not more then 10 students can get A- or A. I was like..... What the hell? He said that the examiner tolak markah aku because theres a grammatical error in my paper. Hello, is this english subject or what?? The examiner tolak few marks then i got B+. Just because of that both subject aku x dpt A pon. Its so unfair to me.

In my opinion, if that student deserve to get A, then she should get A. Who cares if all the student dapat A? Ape masalahnye? Kenapa perlu ade quota plak? I asked my lecturer honestly what he thinks of my paper. And he said its ok. He understand my answer and i deserved to get A. See? Didnt i told you that? But theres nothing much i can do. My cgpa pun have to remain that way. Kate Uia ni islamic university but i think what happened to me is so not islamic because its not fair. Wheres the justice? Hopefuly this semester will be better for me. Please.

Torturing Wednesday

Result sudah diketahui akhirnya. Fuh, lega. Although agak sedih actually cause ade few subjects that i really hope to get A x dpt! But at least i passed my arabic. Woo hoo. I was so worried that im going to fail. Cuti for 3 weeks but i think mase first week je yang i actually enjoyed. Masuk second week, all i think about was the exam result. I was so worried and i cant concentrate on anything else. Cuti blah mcm tu je. Last wednesday the result was supposed to be release at 4 so i waited patiently for the result to reveal.

That morning i woke up around 10am. Dah set dah dalam kapla otak ni nak bangun selambat yang bole so i dont have to wait longer for the result. Lepas je bgn dari tido, aku kira brape jam lg before 4 pm. Then after breakfast, i watched a movie. I need something as an escapism so that i wont obsessing thinking about the result. Then, around 2 pm, my dad ajak g lunch kat Pappa Rich with my siblings, then i thought great! At least x de la aku terperam kat rumah risau x tentu pasal kan. But yg x bestnye tu kul 4 mase result dah kuar, im on my way back. Aku dah cuak gile that time. Mmg x sabar nak check out the result. Actually i was so curious to know if i fail my arabic or not and thats it.

Sampai je rumah, terus pasang internet. Tapi yg buat aku marah tu website uia buat hal plak! So damn slow! Infact, aku siap bukak laptop and desktop all at once cause x sabar sgt nak tgk. I just want to get it over with. Im tired of waiting! It kills me slowly! End up until 7 pm pon still x dpt bukak lg. Can u imagine how i feel for the frigging long 3 hours waiting for my result to pop out? You have no idea. Then, i decided to stop trying and to check it in the morning next day. I have a feeling that the problem with uia website wont be fix. Not until tomorrow. I was pretty mad and pissed that time. But what can i do. So i tried to do something to keep my mind away from thinking about the result so i played Twister with my sis and bro. Was pretty fun!

At night around 9.30pm i dont know why suddenly i want to try to open the result. And finally! There it was infront of my eyes. I was so happy that i passed my arabic paper but im confused cause 2 of the subject that i know i can score A but it turned out i got B+ instead. Terdiam jgk la depan computer and i called everyone in my class to ask them. Ade la a few yg dpt B jgk and ade jgk yang dpt A. I almosy cry cause i study for that subject like nuts! I really hope if i got A for that subject, it can help my cgpa to increase. I even asked my lecturer to recheck my paper. I have to. Yeah, i know i can be like a pain in th ass sometimes. But i cant help it.

Then, that same night, i said to myself i should just probably say alhamdulillah instead of swearing like mad. It wont solve the problem. At least i dont have to repeat my arabic and next sem i can move step ahead to the next level. Cheers for me. Benda dah jadi kan nak buat macamana although i still hope that there'll be changes for my grades and cgpa. But overall, i accepted my result. Next semester i have to try harder